“No way,” declared little Billy.

“Can’t blame you for being skeptical,” Pete grinned. “There ain’t been bears round here since before you were born. Anyway, all I had was the garter Ma wore at the reception. So I snapped it right off my finger and round that bear’s muzzle.

“She was so surprised that I got away. And ran smack into the wolves…”

Wheel in one hand and phone in the other, Bill was ready to snap a photo of the big rollover.

"Million Mile Club gets you a bonus," said the boss. "Gets you moved to a better shift, too."

Bill had covered a day shift for Hector once. It was much more interesting than weekends.

As the zeroes started to appear, Bill pushed the button.

Nothing. No flash.

Did it work?

While Bill fiddled with the camera, his van slid off of the bridge into the river.

“Settle down, wouldya? I’m trying to read the map.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, you little freak.” He crushed out his cigar, swearing again.

“Don’t call him a freak, you asshole. He’s doing his best.”

“Don’t even get me started on freaks, you. Why, your…”

“Oh, are we going to talk about my nose again? Really?”

“Shut up, both of you. I’m getting a migraine. Ask that kid for directions.”

“I’m not…”

“Fine, I’ll ask. Hey, kid!! Where the smokin’ hell’s Trocadero Avenue?”

The boy looked up. “…Santa?”

He collapsed. So did I. Wendy screamed.

The adrenaline rush faded.

“What did you do?”

I looked at my hands. They were shaking. “I have no idea.”

"Yeah, but too high maint. Look at that hair and those shoes."

"What about her? The redhead?"

"I don't know, she's got all those guys puppying after her."

"Ok, I see the one now. Look over there, by the pool. See the one in the yellow onepiece?"

"Her? Really? Didn't think she was your type, babe."

"Well, hon, women don't have a type when it comes to things like this. We actually look at the person. Besides, we chatted in the bathroom earlier."

"Really? You already set up something?"

"If I tell you now, it'll ruin the surprise."

What kind of woman brings her drink into the bathroom?

That kind of woman. The kind we were looking for.

We made idle talk while fixing our makeup. She eyed me up and down the whole time.

I sized her up as well. I was new at this. She obviously wasn’t. But I knew how to follow a lead.

“My plans are incomplete.”

She smiled. Licked her lips. Grabbed my hand. “Show me which one is yours.”

Through the blinds, streetlights below cast a grid of yellow lines against the ceiling of my darkened apartment. I watched the street while the usual dregs wandered aimlessly back and forth between pools of light. Nothing suspicious.

“What is it, Baby?” Marie asked from the darkness behind me.

“Probably nothing,” I replied without looking.

“Frankie’s boys came by.”

“They say what they wanted?” I turned around to face down the barrel of my revolver.

Marie held the gun steady. “They wanted to let me know about the reward.”

See? Ain’t no difference.

“But?”

“But, well, it’s just very still. But I’m sure it’s nothing. Maybe they had to go outside.”

“They wouldn’t have gone outside without permission, Bob.”

“No. No, that’s true.”

“Let’s see the other cameras.”

He flipped through the other views, and he was right. We’d been monitoring the space station for over a year, and I’d never seen it that still.

On the next pass, the aft door was open. We both sighed with relief, just a moment too soon. On the final pass, the first of Them oozed into the room.

“IS IT LUCIFER AGAIN? HAS HE COME TO APOLOGIZE?”

The archangel studied his sandals, cutting trails through the cloudstuff with his toe. “Um, no, sir. It’s… Abel.”

“WHAT? ADAM AND EVE’S BOY? WHAT’S HE DOING HERE?”

“Apparently, he’s dead, sir. His brother killed him, and the next thing he knew, he found himself here.”

God’s forehead furrowed. Somewhere, a mountain range erupted. “WAIT, WHAT? WAS THAT IN THE SPECS? DID I APPROVE THAT?” God sighed, creating a new species of heron.

“OKAY, LET HIM IN. BUT DON’T LET HIM TOUCH ANYTHING.”

Oh, that thing attached to my leg? That's nothing. Just something I picked up on the way to work. Can't seem to shake it, actually. Hanging on pretty tight, no matter how hard I try to kick it off. So I've decided to ignore it.

You say it looks rather dangerous? I figure if I just ignore it, maybe it will go away. It would help if you'd stop staring at it. Please stop staring. Don't make it angry. Please. I'm begging you. Nothing's wrong. See?

Limping now, Jansen hobbled into the blockhouse and dropped his precious cargo. "Sarge, I got the Count Chocula."

Sarge's reply turned the air blue and took the wind out of Jansen's sails. Wearily, he turned around and headed back to get the forgotten milk.

See, before, well, you know... we kinda had a thing going. It lasted longer than most of my other relationships, which is to say longer than a weekend. It was closer to two years before she made her big quantum leap. I would have stayed with her after that, but her probability field intersected my bad luck streak rather explosively one night while...nevermind. When I woke up in the hospital, all she left was a note.

"Stay away. For your own safety."

You'll be redirected automatically in five seconds, or if you're the impatient type, click here.