View All Issues« Previous Issue | Main | Next Issue »
September 28, 2005
Volume 6, Issue 28
Your critically-acclaimed first novel has been snapped up by Paramount to be turned into a movie by Joel Schumacher.
D: Bitter
The blonde sits patiently, waiting for me to finish.
"And another thing, they go and change the title, the title was the best part! Übernatürlich and they turn it into The Cult. They've cast Jim Carrey as the charismatic poikilothermic who founds a secret society of lizard worshippers and they’ve made him the bad guy! The bad guy! He was the anti-hero of the entire story!"
She quickly checks her watch.
"Alright fine. How much for the night?"
She slips a folded scrap of paper my way.
"Are you shitting me?!"
"Hey baby," she whispers, "you’re in show business now."
Laurence - Weeding Out Directors
I tug the rope, and the beam holds.
"Good," I mumble, and I look back at Joel Schumacher. "You brought this on yourself, Hollywood."
He's tied up tight, lashed to the metal folding chair, rocking slightly on top of the table.
"Go ahead," I say. "Crack your head open."
The chair stops rocking. Joel's eyes get wide.
They get wider when I tie the noose around his neck and kick the table away.
I wait for a few minutes, cut him down, and toss him in the basement with Oliver Stone's corpse.
I told them Christopher Nolan or nothing, dammit.
Ted: Cutting Room Floor
"Why in the hell did he think he could get away with this?! Who the hell is this Shoemaker guy! The jockey, I thought he was dead!"
"Our legal department explained this to you before you signed the contract. Joel is a very good director."
"Has he ever done this kind of this of picture before?"
"Nobody EVER has. That's why we brought in Joel. He has the creativity..."
"Bullshit. If he's so creative how did 'The Night In Georgia When It Was Hot' with me, ME!, playing the crossdressing pirate get turned into 'Captain Susan and His Drunken Imaginings'?!"