August 23, 2005
Volume 5, Issue 23
Today is not the day for single word themes!
Today is not the day for photo themes!
Today is not the day for random quote themes!
For today is a day of great import!
Write like a yellow journalist today describing something totally insignificant.
Laurence - The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln (Chapter 34)
Lincoln hated press conferences.
Okay, he didn't hate the delicious snacks offered there. The seats were comfy, too.
Those damn reporters! Ever since the war began, the press had turned against him.
Better open with a funny quote, he thought.
"Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."
A shriveled crone in the front row stood up, clutching her notepad with claw-like hands.
"Is the Stanton Memo true?" she asked. "Didn't your administration provoke The South states into secession?"
Damn Helen Thomas, thought Abe. Won't you ever die?
Michele: Everything's Alright, Everything's Fine
HILTON, LINDSEY LOHAN SURVIVE TERRORIST BOMBING!
“Ohmygod it was a fricking nightmare,” said Hilton, who is recuperating from a sprained knee at home. “We were walking down Rodeo when, holy shit, there was this BOOM. I thought it was fireworks, I was like, that’s hot.”
But it wasn’t fireworks. It was terrorists, hellbent on destroying our nation. Lindsey heroically grabbed Paris and led her to an alley, where they cowered for 40 minutes before emergency personnel found them.
Sadly, Paris’s beloved pooch was incinerated in the twin blasts. Lindsey suffered only minor bruises.
1,482 people were killed in the attack.
Ted: The Mayonnaise Conspiracy
Good evening. This is a news flash. Florida woman cannot hold mayo jar without dropping it.
Apparently this has been happening for years now, but just last week, this tragic story took an even more bizarre turn.
He husband had this to say:
"There she was in the kitchen, making a baloney sandwich when the mayo jar fell right out of her fingers. When it hit the floor, the mayo just come right up like it was a fountain, covered her from head to toe. It even splashed the ceiling!"
No group has claimed responsiblity, but this reporter blames France.