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August 15, 2005
Volume 5, Issue 15
Today's theme is toilet paper.
Because I'm getting sick and there's never a roll far from my reach... Deal, mmkay?
Laurence - Revenge
Sam and Joe dropped off their bags, took off their masks, and went back to Old Man Jasper's.
The trees groaned in the breeze.
"I don't like this," said Sam. "Let's go."
"He gave out crappy candy," said Joe. "He has to pay for it."
Joe tossed a roll of toilet paper over a tree branch.
"See?" said Joe.
Suddenly, the tree reached down and hauled Joe up by the leg.
"HELP!" Sam screamed. "HELP!"
The old man looked out the window, laughing.
Andy: Be Not Faithless, but Believing
When he was a young boy, his stepfather delighted in demonstrating for him many optical illusions. He started with simple line drawings, eventually constructing intricate designs from scrap wood.
His favorite, though, involved a hollowed-out fig tree limb. Raising the wooden tube to his right eye, he would focus on something distant, perhaps a neighbor's goat. He would bring his free hand in front of his left eye and marvel at the illusory hole in his palm, through which the goat was visible. A miracle!
He went out to the fig tree. "Tonight," he thought, "I’ll show you, doubting Thomas."
Michele: Bye, Bye Love
Merlene spent nearly the whole drive to the marriage retreat weekend complaining about every bump in the road and song on the radio. Dirk wondered why he was doing this at all.
“I have to pee.”
“Ten minutes away, Merlene.”
“Pull over. Now.”
“Here?”
“You deaf? I said pull over.”They both got out of the car. Merlene squatted by the side of the road, pants around her ankles.
“Be useful, get the TP from the trunk..”
Dirk went to the car, but not the trunk.
The last thing he heard was Merlene’s wild cursing as gravel and dust sprayed her ass.
Ted: In the Marines, They Taught Us not to Shit on our Hands
This joke isn't true. What they teach you is a field expedient. Like all such, it gets the job done, but nearly as well as the real thing.
First take one sheet of any kind of paper, such as the wetnap from an MRE. Fold it into a square and rip out the center, which you place between your teeth. Then put your middle finger through the hole, wipe, close paper around shitty finger and clean. The little triangle of paper you put between your teeth is used to clean under your fingernail.
This is the real reason for saluting.