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August 11, 2005
Volume 5, Issue 11
Tomorrow is my birthday, but not my turn to create the theme, so I will do it here and now instead:
Wish someone happy birthday.
Laurence - The final indignity
In a little less than three years from now, the killer will sweep away the pile of flowers on the grave, left behind after the memorial service.
He picks up his shovel and begins to dig.
The shovel strikes something. He taps. Twice.
He breaks the vault, leans up the coffin, and rips it open.
Her.
"Hello darling," he croaks. "Missed me?"
Then, he lights a candle, sticks it in a cupcake, and places it in her rotting hands.
A gravely "Happy Birthday" echoes across the moonlit graveyard.
He checks his watch. Then the headstone.
"You're legal now," he grins.
Michele: One is the Loneliest Number
Relatives crunched into a corner table at Friday’s as Jake tried to wipe his cheek of the red-kissed stains left by beastly aunts. He cringed as they hovered over him with pinches and hugs.
Mortification came again via the waitstaff, who marched in singing some clap-happy song in Jake's honor. Fat Aunt Harriet squealed and jiggled with delight. Dad cooed and Uncle Bob clapped his hands like a retarded chimpanzee.
Jake had enough of this idiotic celebration. He swiped the rattle off his high chair and let out a barrier breaking scream. A good tantrum and he’d feel vindicated.
Ted: In T.J. for His Twenty-First Birthday
"Come on Kid, tonight is your night, live it up."
He looked at the plethora of poon displayed on the stage, trying to decide which one would best sate.
"The redhead," he told the petty officer.
"Mama-cita, the fat redhead for my friend."
"Si."
Mama led him to a small room with a sink and a bed and told him to undress and wash. He was rigid before the girl even came in, when she did, his heart was beating like a diesel. He bent her over, came immediately, and rejoined his friends.
"Happy Birthday, Kid, now you're a man."
From the Comments: Amphioxus
Dodo gazed proudly upon her perfect pure white Egg and then settled. But something rocked violently beneath her. Rechecking, she found Egg had cracked. Aghast, she watched Egg split in twain. A mass of wet pinfeathers heaved itself from the remains.
This thing had destroyed her greatest creation! It must die! It was small enough to swallow whole. That’s what Dodo did.
The dismayed Investigators who revived the dodo from extinction observed the female eat yet another of her young. “No wonder the damned things went extinct the first time,” one said. “Hell of a happy birthday,” muttered the other.