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July 15, 2005
Volume 3, Issue 15
Today's theme courtesy the first thing to turn up on my iTunes today:
Running through the mini-mall in my underwear.
Explain that scenario, kids. Have fun.
Michele: One Step Closer
I always wondered how thin the line between sanity and insanity is. What causes a brain to suddenly, instantaneously fritz out?
Once I was standing on a mountain overlook. I had the urge to hurl myself down, just because. What if, at that moment, my brain said, ok, I’m going to take a rest and shut off my right/wrong switch? You can’t time this stuff, you know. Just happens.
Which is why I find myself standing in front of Broadway Mall in my “Sunday” undies, waiting for the doors to open.
At least I’m not hurling myself down a cliff.
Tanya: That's What You Get, episode 2
Bastard jumped me in the alley, and managed to cut my shirt and shorts off, but I racked him before he could get any farther. Then I started running. Past China Garden, past Sears. People were staring out of the windows like it was my fault, of course. Like I run through mini-malls in my underwear all the time, just to piss them off.
But the blonde chick coming out of Sportsmart with a new aluminum baseball bat tossed it to me without hesitation. And now that there's rapist-brain all over the store window, this neighborhood might be safe again.
Laurence - Down at the mall
What's with the chimp heads on the wall?
Well, ever been attacked by a vicious band of chimpanzees?
It sucks.
One minute, I was walking out of The Gap with all-new underwear. The next minute, I was on my back with a pair of black eyes and this weird screeching in my ears.
Damn chimps! Damn dirty chimps!
How the chimpanzees got in the mall, I have no idea. But to tell you the truth, that was none of my concern.
They weren't leaving with my underwear.
And, by God's grace, they didn't. Killed them all.
Care for a cigar?
Ted: Witness Statement
I'd had hit it off with one of my regulars over the past two weeks so she asks me to go to lunch. We wind up in the food court then yadda-yadda-yadda we wind up back in the cargo dock behind my store and she is all over me.
She tears off my clothes like an animal, I tell ya.
Then I hear the frigging alarm going off, the one up at cash/wrap that the clerk steps on in case of a robbery.
The bitch set me up, her boyfriend robbed me, and I got fired. Goddammit I hate Mondays.
Andy: To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
You know the dream. The one where you show up to school or some public place sporting only your unmentionables, the one where no one notices but you.
Bruce has the dream. There he stands, wearing a pair of CK briefs, while the world passes him by, oblivious to his shame.
You may think it strange that mannequins dream, but Bruce does, and he'll be the first to tell you that the underwear dream is nothing compared to the falling-off-the-display one, what with his lack of arms. He can’t even flail.
At least he wakes up before hitting the tile.
From the Comments: Dirk
I paused for a moment in front of a Calvin Klein Poster and struck a pose that complimented the model in the image. People stared at me as I held form in naught but my underwear.
I couldn’t help but smile inside as I knew that they were awestruck by my breathtaking appearance. I changed poses once before sprinting off to flaunt myself to the people in front of the next poster.
I am a male model that works for free. At 5’5” tall and 400lbs my physique is very impressive. Why, even the security guards have come to admire…